My uncle died a couple of days ago. My grandmother had 15 children and Steven is the first to move on to God's great Kingdom. I've grown up with the big Weber family my entire life. Having 20something uncles and aunts on just one side and just slightly less cousins and spending nearly every holiday possible together in a small overcrowded house with not enough seating, I've grown close to my family but despite all of it I felt nothing either when my grandparents died or when Steven died. It's not even like I'm in denial or that I've skipped part of the grief process.. I just haven't grieved at all. What kind of person am I that feels absolutely nothing for the death of her family members? My mother's mother died first and in a state of nostalgia, she began to ask me if I wanted to wear her old jewelry and remarked how similar I was to her deceased mother. Out of irritation or.. who knows, I snapped back that I didn't care and that I didn't want to wear the jewelry. When her father died a year later I didn't even have the presence of mind to tell her that I was sorry that she had no parents. Out of experience more than anything else, I did manage to tell her that I was sorry for her brother's death of cancer and poor health, but I'm still just as irritated as I was two years ago when taken away from my busy day of classes and life to go to a funeral. I hate funerals; I don't suppose that anyone likes them but I absolutely hate funerals. Everyone around me sobs and dabs at their eyes and sings hymns and prays and I feel nothing. When did I become so heartless? I was talking to a new friend today and mentioned that I had a funeral to go to tomorrow for my uncle and out of compassion and habit he responded that he was sorry. My flippant remark back was : "Oh it's ok; I have six more on the same side." He was silent and in an attempt to soften the sudden blow to whatever image he was building of me I quickly joked that I was heartless. "I noticed," he said back with a small laugh but I doubt that he was joking or that he was any less shocked. At what point in my life did I decide that I had no compassion? Gah, I need to spend some quality time with God in introspection. Maybe this weekend I'll head up to the fountain and journal.