So I guess I'm not as heartless as I thought I am. As expected, as soon as I began to play Amazing Grace during the offeratory everyone began to cry. My hands were shaking from nervousness but afterwards everyone complimented me on the playing. I did feel something. I did not cry but I certainly felt some kind of pain. When Uncle Murray gave the eulogy along with one of my mom's cousins, I couldn't help but feel that that life that they all shared was somehow not mine and that I was an outsider in this funeral. The Uncle Steven that I had known was in poor health for 20 years but the Steven of their memories was vibrant and young and more lively than anything I could have known of his post kidney transplant body. I'm going out this Monday and I'm really looking forward to a nice relaxing outing after working Saturday and Sunday. Anyways, keep me in your prayers if you're reading this. (0) comments

My uncle died a couple of days ago. My grandmother had 15 children and Steven is the first to move on to God's great Kingdom. I've grown up with the big Weber family my entire life. Having 20something uncles and aunts on just one side and just slightly less cousins and spending nearly every holiday possible together in a small overcrowded house with not enough seating, I've grown close to my family but despite all of it I felt nothing either when my grandparents died or when Steven died. It's not even like I'm in denial or that I've skipped part of the grief process.. I just haven't grieved at all. What kind of person am I that feels absolutely nothing for the death of her family members? My mother's mother died first and in a state of nostalgia, she began to ask me if I wanted to wear her old jewelry and remarked how similar I was to her deceased mother. Out of irritation or.. who knows, I snapped back that I didn't care and that I didn't want to wear the jewelry. When her father died a year later I didn't even have the presence of mind to tell her that I was sorry that she had no parents. Out of experience more than anything else, I did manage to tell her that I was sorry for her brother's death of cancer and poor health, but I'm still just as irritated as I was two years ago when taken away from my busy day of classes and life to go to a funeral. I hate funerals; I don't suppose that anyone likes them but I absolutely hate funerals. Everyone around me sobs and dabs at their eyes and sings hymns and prays and I feel nothing. When did I become so heartless? I was talking to a new friend today and mentioned that I had a funeral to go to tomorrow for my uncle and out of compassion and habit he responded that he was sorry. My flippant remark back was : "Oh it's ok; I have six more on the same side." He was silent and in an attempt to soften the sudden blow to whatever image he was building of me I quickly joked that I was heartless. "I noticed," he said back with a small laugh but I doubt that he was joking or that he was any less shocked. At what point in my life did I decide that I had no compassion? Gah, I need to spend some quality time with God in introspection. Maybe this weekend I'll head up to the fountain and journal. (0) comments

The end of the school year approaches and with it finals. Lately I've been... tired. I haven't been praying the way I used to. Where is the fervor and the longing after quiet time at the fountain where I could just sit by the water and talk to Him? Why is it that I know what will make me feel better but I do not seek it? Is it the nature of sickness that even when the remedy is in hand you will not take it? I feel like God is silent.. though I know it's me. I'm constantly talking at God and despairing that through my clamor I can't hear Him. Perhaps it is the gears of my own attempts to control this machine of life and love that drowns out the gentle, urging voice of the Lord as He pleads with me, winningly, "take my yoke." When will I have the burning faith that I see in others? The simple solution, of course, is to start trusting God. Though mentally I know that God is capable of all things, most of all my petty problems, I find it a hard thing to commit my knowledge to my faith. A person once theorized that our feelings towards God stem from our first impressions of our parents... I find it exceedingly difficult to trust my Lord when all of those promises of childhood went unfulfilled by my father. When will I trust the Lord and lay aside these childish ways? May today, oh Lord, be the first day. (0) comments

Everything has been going smoothly. I've discovered a love for cinnamon donuts! I'm currently writing a paper for Dr. Baldwin over Jason and Medea. It's hard to listen to the Lord's call sometimes. I know he's telling me something; the hard part is whether I really want to know what it is! I'm watching Arrested Development while I write my paper. Fun fun! Tomorrow is another comp day and (wait for it!!) FREE SMOOTHIE NIGHT!!! Actually free smoothie afternoon. 4-7!! (0) comments

Things have been going very well lately. I got the job at the rock wall this semester and I've managed, by the grace of God, to keep up with all of my work. The student loan came in to pay off this semester and Thelma paid off last. The ball was great and I loved dressing up and feeling beautiful. Now I'm looking forward to the start of the Astros' season and another Valentine's Day alone. No, really. I am looking forward to it. Who needs the hassle of "what do I buy? what if he hates it? what should i wear???" Not me. (0) comments